I always thought I was gonna die by the age of twenty seven. When I was a kid, I heard about this little club and did some reaearch about it. At the same year, one singer I really liked died. Amy Winehouse has joined the 27's club. So my depression teenager head thought that if I was gonna die someday, maybe I should die by this age after doing something really incredible that would touch people's lives forever. Something artistic maybe.
My teen years were not easy. Not at all. I sincerely thought I would never make it to today (this 27's club was more of something to instigate me to live than dying if that makes sense). I used to look around and see myself as a isolated person. I grew up in a toxic environment and tried to fill myself with expectations to create a purpose for living even though there was none. I used to protect the ones I loved with all the skills I have, I used to protect them as I wanted to be protected when I was a child, I think. This never went away.
Cigarettes were my best friend. And maybe some linkin park music playing background. Yeah I had relationships but I thought "hey, imma be gone someday so everytihing is ephemeral and does not matter". I think that is one of the main reasons I don't have friends from school. Actually I don't think I genuinely trusted someone to call this person a friend, you know. There were just someone I really liked and I thought had to be protected. So, as I said... I did not think anyone would miss me. And no one did actually. 'Cause that is life, babe, if you don't show up and off, you are not remembered. I think that is another thing I brought from my teen years.
About missing. There were two moments in my life I believed someone would miss me if I died on that moment. When my brother begged me not to kill myseld after some stuff that happened and when my husband hugged me and cried when I told him I was having suicid*al thoughts and wanted to throw myself in front of a car that day. But that is it. How do I know I can easily disappear? Well, I have another proof in my hands, Sherlock: I'm moving out of Brazil and few people told me they would miss me. Maybe I am an arse.
Few days ago I heard from a random person that does not know me very well somehting interesting, she said "hey, when I hear people talking about you, saying your name, it's never in a bad memory, it's always with a smile, they say you are an incredible person". Cool, since my childhood I'm the lonely popular person that knows everyone and does not have a single person to call to a birthday party. That's why I don't have birthday parties, no one would show up, right? It would me with a cake and my pets as usual.
As I said before, I like my space and being alone and not letting anyone invade my thoughts. But today I wanted to share with you, dear reader, that we are in August. My birthday is next month and... I did not think I would end up one day... being twenty seven.