I was kinda tired of waiting everything I wanted. So that I have lower expectations, you know? And I don't try to keep anyone anymore in my life begging for him/her to stay.
I have a complicated life. A real complicated one. It was difficult to be me at a certain point of my living hell. But I won't tell anyone this story anymore 'cause when I tell people either fall in love or leave forever. So I buried my feelings and secrets and became a funny version of me. The version that makes everyone smile and be fine. I became the version the avoid deep feelings and is afraid of everything around stuff like love. I was so... So used to lose everyone, everyone I know goes away in the end. So I got used to leave instead. And to not get attached to anyone in this process. This is me, a sad detached person. I learned to live the moment and not be guilty to disappear forever after.
But these days were different to me. I realized after a experience I had that I became empty. I became a person that my 12-year-old version of me would be ashamed of. It can be explained by the story of life I have. But... For a moment I really missed the innocence of ignorance. The love of innocents. I watched this version through the glass and after the analysis I found out that no one will ever see me with this kind of loving eyes. At the some point of my life I turned into a fucking narcisist and every man in my life see me as a sexualized wild woman who can't be domained. I don't see boys wanting to give me some cactus as gift of Valentine's day. I see them wanting to have a threesome with me instead.
But it was only during these shit days. I'm just waiting for this creepy feeling to end. So that I can be myself again. A person so afraid to feel that actually feels too much. Bullshit right? That's why I am so detached as a young cute innocent boy said once to me.
I have to be who I built myself to be: a dangerous woman. The lonely wolf. And I do not regret being like this.
