missing incompatibilities

I miss giving away my clothes cause they were too big for me. I miss finding clothes that were my size in any stores. I miss wearing my clothes btw. Almost none of them fit me at all nowadays. I miss when I had the energy to start a day without knowing for sure how it would end. It was like I had the power to create the day's story as it was happening. I miss when I looked myself in the mirror and thought how hot I was. How I was so comfortable with myself. I miss feeling hot. I miss the sensation of looking at my body and do not feel like I need to die to be beautiful again. I am looking like shit. I was not a pretty child I just became one when I got my period for the first time and then I thought I would never have to face me like that again.

Sometimes I dream about when I had a stomach disease and lost 10 kilos in two weeks. Why isn't happening to me right now, right? I would be sick but at least I would feel pretty. The stretch marks in my legs and belly just refuse to heal doesn't matter how much products I pass on it. People say I gained some pounds cause I had a stress incident... I miss when I was in high school and during my stress incident I just couldn't sleep and eat sometimes and that was it. Not pound gain. Gosh... I miss it when I was feeling good about myself. Sometimes I think about stopping eating till I get sick or something like that and lose some weight. But then I just think again. 

It was never hard for me to change my appearance. If I did gained some weight then I would stop to drink beer for two weeks and I would just turn back to the way I was. But now it's like... Nothing I used to do will work... And there are some days I just don't want to live being like this. Appearance counts for me. 

I don't want the pep talk bout accept myself and stuff. For real. That's not the body I want to have and that's it. I miss it when I was happy about the I way I am...